Life Can Be Messy

Our lives often take many different turns. Some are bathed in prayer and others, well those, they seem to hit us like a ton of bricks. And the hits, they just keep coming. You know, the moments you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. You simply never expected them.

My last post touched on my first two miscarriages, but my third was probably the hardest of all.

We thought we were waiting. Waiting to meet with our doctor to discuss testing options. Waiting for a little miracle. Well, the entry below is from May after our third miscarriage. 
__________________________________________________________

Waiting. It's a horrible little word really. Waiting. Who wants to wait for anything? We waited a week after my levels were back to normal to meet with our doctor to discuss our options. 

We could take one of two routes. Progesterone daily during pregnancy and take the risk or wait for an exorbitant amount of tests. We thought we were waiting, but I guess God had other plans. 

This time I just knew. That feeling you have when you know you are pregnant. I think it's interesting how much women who are dealing with infertility just know. And I knew. I knew I was pregnant. I had all the symptoms and one smell of an onion had me running for the toilet.

Pregnant? Yes! That word that most women are elated to read. Pregnant. If only I felt that same way. I read the word pregnant and fear rushed through my body like a sixth sense. 

Truth is, I was scared. I knew this meant we either had a long road ahead or a very short one. The planner in me immediately jumped into preparation mode. We were having a baby! I called the doctor immediately and was put on progesterone, but he wanted to check my levels before bringing me in for an ultrasound. 

We had already decided months prior that we were selling our house and moving back to our hometown. And God was putting everything into our perfect little picture. We had an offer on the house and the new buyers wanted to move in quickly.

I put in my two weeks notice at work. With two young children I knew I wouldn't be able to put in the same hours and effort into my job. Plus, it was time for a change. The building was a constant reminder of my first miscarriage and how cold my heart could be. I wasn't willing to go down that road again.

My first set of blood work came back great. My numbers were strong and all we needed to do now was wait. Oh, how I hate that word. Three days later we got the results back from my second set of blood work. I couldn't concentrate all morning. It was torture. 

Finally, the results were in. My numbers were stagnant. What? I felt pregnant. I didn't understand. We had done everything right. I was taking progesterone daily. What else could we do?

Apparently, nothing. 

__________________________________________________________

The weeks following were hard. And when I say hard, I mean I was just hard to be around. After all, we thought we were doing everything right. (There will be more on that later.) I was miserable. My heart was broken yet again and our life was changing. We were leaving the first home we had ever owned together, leaving the only home Peyton had ever known, leaving the life we had created and the friends we had met. 

My poor husband endured all of it by my side and I'm forever grateful for God sending him to me so very long ago. Without him, I'd probably be lost. Lost in every sense of the word. 

He constantly reassures me that God's hands are at work and while we may not understand why, we can still have faith that He redeems and He restores. I know this because He is restoring my broken heart. 

My days are now filled with all of the joys of being a stay-at-home mom. I'm so very fortunate to have this opportunity to stay home with our sweet Peyton. I'm able to watch him grow, learn and become the awesome human being God created him to be. 

God is so good. While my heart wishes I could have my sweet babies here with me, I know they are with our Creator and with so many other sweet angels that their mommies and daddies never got to meet. 

I pray for these parents. I pray their hearts are comforted. I pray they find peace for they have greatly lost. But I also pray for those who are in the middle of great trials and are trying to figure out their path to parenthood. It is not a burden that is carried easily. 

Thank you for the amazing outpouring of love and prayers. They are appreciated more than you will ever know. Until next time.

Praising You in this Storm

Most days I still can't believe it's been a year since our second pregnancy. We found out on October 3, 2013 and I can still remember the excitement we had for the new journey we were embarking on. You know, the one where nine months later you're holding your sweet angel in your arms. But God had a different plan for us. 

Each day I'm learning more about this path God is taking us on, but it's hard for me to share all of our story without you knowing more from our past. After all, I just skimmed the surface in my first post. 

So, here it is. The entry below is from my journal on April 1. 

_________________________________________________________

Pregnant. The word you’ve been waiting for. It seems more like a dream really. The dream you’ve been waiting to come true and it’s here. It’s finally here.

It’s incredible how one little word can make your head spin in five different directions all at once. You start questioning every moment of the past four weeks. And then, the unthinkable happens. The dream of carrying your little miracle full term ends. So abruptly, you can’t see or think clearly.

Your miracle is gone. You call the doctor to confirm your greatest fear. Blood work is ordered and the world just stops. You can’t think of anything else. Your heart was so full yesterday and today is nowhere to be found.

The doctor calls. Your fear is confirmed. The dream has ended and somehow you’re left with a cold, “We’ll see you next week for another set of blood work to make sure your levels are back to normal.”

It was too soon really. Too soon to become attached to someone so small. Someone whom you’d never met. Someone who could have grown up to be a doctor or actress or just the greatest person on the planet.

Oh, who am I kidding. I was in love. A love so pure and so simple that it’s never felt more real. My heart was whole again.

My first miscarriage left me in ruins. I carried my sweet peanut for nearly 12 weeks. I had seven weeks of bliss before my heart broke. In our state of bliss, we never expected to find out that our peanut wasn’t growing.

We thought we understood heartache. Only a few months prior we lost our dad. We never thought in our wildest dreams we would be faced with such grief. But, here it was. We were grieving our dad (well, my husband’s dad) and now the loss of the little life I was carrying inside me.

The doctor suggested so many options that we decided to take a more natural approach. We thought the process would only take a few weeks. Little did we know that I would keep our sweet angel for another five weeks. When the day actually came, I wasn’t prepared. Not in the least.

I spoke to a few close friends about what was “supposed” to happen, but I don’t think anyone can truly prepare you. If they had, I certainly would not have been at work and I most definitely wouldn’t have acted like nothing happened. Instead, it did and I became numb. I shut down.

I couldn’t take it. I had to. I went right back to work as if nothing happened.

I look back at that moment with such regret. How cold am I to have gone back to business as usual? But until you’re in that moment, I don’t think you know what you will do.

Months passed, work went on and our family decided to take a big trip. Our son, Peyton, would take his first international trip at 14 months.

Three days before we left, I became very ill with strep throat. Nasty stuff. My doctor wanted to make sure she could give me a strong dose of meds, but wanted to be absolutely sure I wasn’t pregnant.

Pregnant? I hadn’t considered it. No problem, I thought. I’ll just take a test.

Pregnant? Yes! We’re pregnant. Well, we were. The trip was incredible and in each picture we were pregnant. And that takes us back to the beginning of this entry. My world has all but stopped again and here I am working. Working as if nothing happened.

But it did. I have a beautiful baby boy at home and two sweet angels in heaven. My heart is broken. I’m broken, but even in the midst of this brokenness we must praise Him. I have no idea why we are on this journey, but I’m positive He has a purpose.

Our next step is to meet with our doctors to discuss testing options. Until then, we wait.

___________________________________________________________

Oh, boy. That was a lot to take in, right? To this day, each time I read this entry I'm taken back to the exact moment our world changed. Each and every moment. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, anonymous people of the universe. I still have hope for all things good and I still praise Him for He is good. 

God's plan has certainly been different than we imagined, but each trial, each obstacle (in our eyes) is fulfilling His purpose. It's so hard to trust - to have faith. But each day we grow, I grow and my faith grows. 

Until next time, friends. 

An Incredibly Awkward Welcome

As an introvert, I've always found hellos to be bit awkward. There's the look, you know the one we all give, the one that says we've already decided everything there is to know about you in one once over. Yes, that look. Don't be ashamed. Own it if you do it. Then there's that moment you reach out your hand to officially meet the new face in front of you and then your voice shakes ever so slightly...hi, I'm.

There you did it. You said hello. Maybe it wasn't as awkward for you as it was for me, but let's be real. Do you still remember my name?

Oh, you don't? 

That's right. Hi. I'm Brittany and this is our awkward virtual handshake. Welcome to our perfectly messy life. Let's get the introductions over with quickly. Believe me, I hate them as much as you (mostly because I'm not very good at them). 

I'm a former PR professional turned stay-at-home mom. I'm a Christ follower with an amazing husband and a 20 month old son, but here is where it gets a little messy. In the last year, we have experienced three miscarriages. There will be plenty more on that later. And while I'm trying not to let our losses define me, I have found that writing about my three sweet angels makes my heart a little less sad and my head a little less crazy. 

So, why start airing our business for the world to read? Well, my better half might be asking the same thing, but the best reasoning I can come up with is that each one of my pregnancies and children (living or in heaven) is worth talking about. 

Why didn't I start this a year ago? Why, I'm glad you asked. I wasn't ready. Nothing more. Nothing less. I don't know if your heart ever fully heals from such loss, but I know time is slowly mending my once broken heart and soul. 

The truth is, I just wasn't myself. My husband could probably shed more light on that topic, but for now we'll just say I had lost sight of who I was and wanted to be. Now don't take your mind down a deep, dark path. I'm very lucky in that sense. The type of self I'm talking about is part of my daily, monotonous routine. I was stuck and I couldn't stay that way much longer. 

Ultimately, we made some major life changes, hence the stay-at-home mom part. Don't get me wrong. I loved the work I did and the companies I was able to work for, but sometimes you have to step back and re-evaluate in order to make the best decisions (for you and those around you). 

I'm sure you'll get to know me more as I begin this journey into blogging with a somewhat anonymous readership. Hi, mom! I promise to be real. After all, life isn't perfect. So, welcome. Welcome to Our Perfectly Messy Life.