Praising You in this Storm

Most days I still can't believe it's been a year since our second pregnancy. We found out on October 3, 2013 and I can still remember the excitement we had for the new journey we were embarking on. You know, the one where nine months later you're holding your sweet angel in your arms. But God had a different plan for us. 

Each day I'm learning more about this path God is taking us on, but it's hard for me to share all of our story without you knowing more from our past. After all, I just skimmed the surface in my first post. 

So, here it is. The entry below is from my journal on April 1. 

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Pregnant. The word you’ve been waiting for. It seems more like a dream really. The dream you’ve been waiting to come true and it’s here. It’s finally here.

It’s incredible how one little word can make your head spin in five different directions all at once. You start questioning every moment of the past four weeks. And then, the unthinkable happens. The dream of carrying your little miracle full term ends. So abruptly, you can’t see or think clearly.

Your miracle is gone. You call the doctor to confirm your greatest fear. Blood work is ordered and the world just stops. You can’t think of anything else. Your heart was so full yesterday and today is nowhere to be found.

The doctor calls. Your fear is confirmed. The dream has ended and somehow you’re left with a cold, “We’ll see you next week for another set of blood work to make sure your levels are back to normal.”

It was too soon really. Too soon to become attached to someone so small. Someone whom you’d never met. Someone who could have grown up to be a doctor or actress or just the greatest person on the planet.

Oh, who am I kidding. I was in love. A love so pure and so simple that it’s never felt more real. My heart was whole again.

My first miscarriage left me in ruins. I carried my sweet peanut for nearly 12 weeks. I had seven weeks of bliss before my heart broke. In our state of bliss, we never expected to find out that our peanut wasn’t growing.

We thought we understood heartache. Only a few months prior we lost our dad. We never thought in our wildest dreams we would be faced with such grief. But, here it was. We were grieving our dad (well, my husband’s dad) and now the loss of the little life I was carrying inside me.

The doctor suggested so many options that we decided to take a more natural approach. We thought the process would only take a few weeks. Little did we know that I would keep our sweet angel for another five weeks. When the day actually came, I wasn’t prepared. Not in the least.

I spoke to a few close friends about what was “supposed” to happen, but I don’t think anyone can truly prepare you. If they had, I certainly would not have been at work and I most definitely wouldn’t have acted like nothing happened. Instead, it did and I became numb. I shut down.

I couldn’t take it. I had to. I went right back to work as if nothing happened.

I look back at that moment with such regret. How cold am I to have gone back to business as usual? But until you’re in that moment, I don’t think you know what you will do.

Months passed, work went on and our family decided to take a big trip. Our son, Peyton, would take his first international trip at 14 months.

Three days before we left, I became very ill with strep throat. Nasty stuff. My doctor wanted to make sure she could give me a strong dose of meds, but wanted to be absolutely sure I wasn’t pregnant.

Pregnant? I hadn’t considered it. No problem, I thought. I’ll just take a test.

Pregnant? Yes! We’re pregnant. Well, we were. The trip was incredible and in each picture we were pregnant. And that takes us back to the beginning of this entry. My world has all but stopped again and here I am working. Working as if nothing happened.

But it did. I have a beautiful baby boy at home and two sweet angels in heaven. My heart is broken. I’m broken, but even in the midst of this brokenness we must praise Him. I have no idea why we are on this journey, but I’m positive He has a purpose.

Our next step is to meet with our doctors to discuss testing options. Until then, we wait.

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Oh, boy. That was a lot to take in, right? To this day, each time I read this entry I'm taken back to the exact moment our world changed. Each and every moment. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, anonymous people of the universe. I still have hope for all things good and I still praise Him for He is good. 

God's plan has certainly been different than we imagined, but each trial, each obstacle (in our eyes) is fulfilling His purpose. It's so hard to trust - to have faith. But each day we grow, I grow and my faith grows. 

Until next time, friends.